Russel's Teapot

A satirical look at the more incredible depictions in the bible by the satirist who published on the website "Russel's Teapot."

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Genesis 3:1
Now the serpent was more crafty than any of the wild animals the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, “Did God really say, ‘You must not eat from any tree in the garden’?”

Numbers 22:28
Then the Lord opened the donkey’s mouth, and it said to Balaam, “What have I done to you to make you beat me these three times?”

Job 41:21
His [the dragon's] breath kindles coals, and a flame comes forth from his mouth.

Isaiah 51:9
Awake, awake, put on strength, O arm of the Lord; awake, as in days of old, the generations of long ago. Was it not you who cut Rahab in pieces, who pierced the dragon?

Isaiah 27:1
In that day the Lord with his hard and great and strong sword will punish Leviathan the fleeing serpent, Leviathan the twisting serpent, and he will slay the dragon that is in the sea.

Mark 5:13
He gave them permission, and the impure spirits came out and went into the pigs. The herd, about two thousand in number, rushed down the steep bank into the lake and were drowned.

Luke 14:26-33
26  If anyone comes to me and does not hate father and mother, wife and children, brothers and sisters—yes, even their own life—such a person cannot be my disciple.
27  And whoever does not carry their cross and follow me cannot be my disciple.
28  Suppose one of you wants to build a tower. Won’t you first sit down and estimate the cost to see if you have enough money to complete it?
29  For if you lay the foundation and are not able to finish it, everyone who sees it will ridicule you,
30  saying, "This person began to build and wasn’t able to finish."
31  Or suppose a king is about to go to war against another king. Won’t he first sit down and consider whether he is able with ten thousand men to oppose the one coming against him with twenty thousand?
32  If he is not able, he will send a delegation while the other is still a long way off and will ask for terms of peace.
33  In the same way, those of you who do not give up everything you have cannot be my disciples.

Luke 18:18-22
18  A certain ruler asked him, “Good teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?”
19 “Why do you call me good?” Jesus answered. “No one is good—except God alone.
20  You know the commandments: ‘You shall not commit adultery, you shall not murder, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother.’ ”
21  “All these I have kept since I was a boy,” he said.
22  When Jesus heard this, he said to him, “You still lack one thing. Sell everything you have and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”

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